I used to make an orange milkshake by mixing orange juice and milk (half and half), and mix until it was good and frothy. I would drink it while eating a huge bowl full of peanut butter with jelly on top, skip the bread. Yeah, I was a weird kid. LOL
I apparently read somewhere as a kid that sliced up bananas in milk was supposed to be the healthiest thing a human could possibly eat, so I ate that a lot. But sometimes I thought it could use something with a bit of umph in it, so I would crumble up Saltines in there and add cinnamon. MMMMMMM.
The Original Double Down
I was just as grossed out by the Double Down as everyone else, but not because it’s an abomination- I’m just mad they stole from me. I used to take Tyson’s chicken patties, which were microwaveable, heat up two of them, and then put them in a toaster for a second. Then I would add a piece of cheese, some mayo, and a lettuce leaf if I was feeling healthy. I think I was trying...
Microwave Double Cheese Melts
As a latchkey kid I experimented a lot, and also ate a lot of my mothers Lean Cuisines. The one thing I recall having been particularly odd was my microwave double cheese melts, though I don’t know if I had an actual name for them at the time. I’d take one slice of American, pour Parmesan into a pile on top of it, then I’d lay another slice of American on top of that. Then...
I wanted to be efficient as a child, so I had a thing about getting my meal and dessert together. My favorite way to do this was to lay out a Fruit Rollup (with the plastic removed), put a slice of deli meat on top of it (preferably ham), and then a slice of Kraft cheese on top of that. Then you roll it up, and by god, you eat it.
I don’t know how we came up with this name, but my cousins and I used to open a can of black olive slices and dump that into cream cheese. Mix it all up and either spread it on bread or just eat that crap with a spoon.
Hot Ham and Cheese
Not a very outlandish childhood dish (who doesn’t love a delicious meat/cheese combo?) but I used to make “hot ham and cheese,” which was two slices of Wonder® bread (® because I don’t want there to be any confusion about which marshmallow in bread form I’m referring to) with sliced ham (honey, of course) and a KRAFT single. Put the whole thing in the microwave on...
When I was little, my parents wouldn’t let me make popcorn on my own, and I loved popcorn. So I would open up the bag of slippery uncooked kernels and dump them into butter. You have to wait a bit for the kernels to soften a little, but then, you must eat it all with a spoon.
Simple and Delicious
The A-1 Sandwich. That’s just two slices of bread with A-1 sauce spread on both. White bread is best but rye will do in a crunch (wheat will not work). And don’t stop at one sandwich; it will take at least two and maybe three to fill you up.
Reverse Tuna Salad
Boiled eggs are a guilty treat, because they’re delicious and yet pretty gross. Why not mash up a freshly boiled egg in a bowl and add mayo and THE JUICE FROM A CAN OF TUNA? It’s like Tuna Salad, but in reverse.
Depression Era Pizza
Okay my mom didn’t grow up in the depression. It was the 1960s. But she did grow up without a lot of money on a farm and the way they used to make pizza was depressing. Her older sister had learned how to make a pizza dough. Okay, so far, so good. But lacking tomato sauce (don’t ask me why they didn’t have fresh tomatoes on a farm) my mother says they would just use gobs and...
Peanut Butter Noodles
I used to boil up a bunch of spaghetti and then, while it was still hot, dump crunchy peanut butter into it and stir and stir. The result was delicious. Now I see they do the same thing at Thai restaurants. They copied me.
I figured out how to melt chocolate at an early age, and I would melt it in a coffee cup, dip bananas into the scalding hot cup, and eat the hell out of it. Then I would spoon the slowly solidifying chocolate into my mouth. This did not work as well with Twizzlers. They do not melt well.
I really really really loved cereal, and if we didn’t have any milk for me to eat it with, I would sprinkle powdered old-school 1980s Coffeemate on that stuff and eat it that way. My favorite to eat like that was Crispix, because the gritty granules would get caught in the Crispix and the sound I made while eating it was terrible to behold.
I would try to remake some of my Mom’s recipes when she was out, but I didn’t know how to cook meat, so instead, I would just make things that looked like what she cooked. Spaghetti, when I cooked, was a microwave dinner of Salisbury Steak where I removed the Salisbury Steak meat and added it to Cream of Mushroom soup and salsa. Put all that mess on top of rice and it tastes...
Strawberry Dorito Cream Cheese Bagel
Ingredients: Plain Bagel lightly toasted. Schmear of Strawberry Cream Cheese. Bag of Doritos (Regular or Spicy) Instructions: Liberally schmear strawberry cream cheese on each half of toasted bagel Open bag of doritos Place doritos on each half of bagel, making sure to cover every square inch of cream cheese. Put halves together. NOTE: Doritos will stick out of edges. This is a bonus. ...
Salsa and cream cheese mixed together until they make a bubbly, farty noise, eaten with Fritos or your dignity, whichever is closest.
Hot Dog Burger
I don’t know if this counts, but I used to make my mom buy me those hot dogs that had a stripe of cheese in the middle. I would cut open the hot dog and surgically remove the stripe of cheese, which was semi-solid, and spread the cheese on a hamburger bun. I would then top the bun with the cut up and mutilated pieces of hot dog.
My sister and I would pop open a container of canned corned beef (not SPAM, this was corned beef, guys) and cut about 8 slices. We’d put those on a plate and top them with white american cheese, throw them in the microwave for 30 seconds, and then sprinkle a seasoning called Aromat (nearly pure MSG) on top. We ate them with a fork.
Microwave you up some Cheerios with butter. I refuse to call it gross in anything other than theory.
One evening while searching for food in the house, my cousin came up with a genius sandwich idea: lightly toasted wheat bread, chunky peanut butter, muenster cheese, and sliced pickles. I was skeptical at first, but eventually tried it and loved it. I’ve re-made this sandwich a couple of times as an adult, and it definitely fills some kind of void. It just…feels right.
Tunafish and Peanut Butter
There are few things int his worlds that make me believe in God, they are in order; Mayonnaise, Peanut Butter, and sandwiches! There is only one way to combine these three into one and that is the Tuna fish and Peanut Butter sandwich! I’ve been eating them since I was 9 and love them more than anything.
Best Mom Ever.
When My son was 5 I told him I’d make him whatever kind of sandwich he’d like. So he requested, nutella, mayonaisse,pepperoni and cheese on toast. He continued eating this sandwich for 2 years. BLECH!
I grew up in the midwest and we ate meat, mostly beef, at just about every meal. I really hated how tough it was (now I know that the cooking technique played a large role in this) so my mother devised a solution: blend it. Instead of eating slices of overly cooked flank steak, I’d have a plateful of meat slurry to spoon up. Not surprisingly, this did nothing to improve my impression of what...
I put Easy Cheese on… everything. Pickles, apples, pizza, peanuts, Triscuits, you name it. My favorite was to make a peanut butter and cheese sandwich and then spray concentric circles of Easy Cheese on the top. If it could be eaten, it would have Easy Cheese on it. And I was like 12, so I was old enough to know better.
Sandwich of doom.
Peanut butter and Velveeta sandwiches. I’m so, so sorry.
I'm not proud of this - and technically, I think...
I used to douse leftover egg foo young, cold from the fridge, in mayonnaise and Tabasco. And I thought it was delicious.
According to my mother (and I do have a vague memory of this) when I was a toddler there was a period of a few weeks where she’d occasionally think she saw me chewing on something when she hadn’t given me any food. She would investigate, asking “Do you have something in your mouth?” She’d make me open wide to get a good look down my gullet. But always I had...
I used to think it was delicious to make a bunch of straight-up instant Uncle Ben’s white rice and then dump soy sauce in it until there was a brown pool at the bottom. Then I would eat that salty, nutrition-free mess. Every day.