We wanna hear from you! If you made some disgusting concoctions when you were a kid, email them to me at email@example.com, or just submit them here! It’ll make you feel better about all the horrible ways you used Velveeta, I promise.
I went through a phase when I was a kid of wanting to eat super healthy, but I had no idea what that meant. I just knew I liked broccoli when it was covered with Velveeta. So I decided to take a brick of Velveeta, cut it into slices, and put microwaved broccoli in between those slices, making tiny broccoli sandwiches. It was best if the warm broccoli melted the cheese juuuust a bit. It smelled...
White Kid Mexican Food
I was allowed to cook when I was a kid, and I liked cooking, so I did. A lot. One of my favorite things to make was a pound of ground beef, which you cooked in a pan until it was no longer raw, and then you dumped a can of corn and a jar of Velveeta on it. Mix it up until everything is covered in beef grease, then spoon it into a bowl and crumble potato chips onto it.
Apparently The Onion AV Club really liked the idea for this Tumblr! Look what they put up today! (Just in case The Onion was wondering how to link to someone else, that right there is a pretty textbook example)
When I was like 4 or 5 I used to eat roly polies (also known as pill bugs or armadillidiidae… The key was to make sure they rolled themselves into a ball before you popped them in your mouth and savored the crunch. Totally disgusts me now.
My mom used to yell at me because I would eat Ramen Noodles raw. My witty retort was “Why do we even have this in the house?” If you added Ketchup to the Ramen, you’d have lunch, and if you added maple syrup to the Ramen, you’d have dessert. The powder was thrown away.
I used to eat a lot of Imitation Crab Meat, and when my mom told me that wasn’t a meal, I would microwave it, add a can of corn, and then pour butter all over the whole thing. That’s a fucking meal.
I used to put two slices of bread in a bowl, pour Coffeemate over it (sometimes with a bit of coffee in there, sometimes not), and then I’d eat it with a spoon. Delicious.
This is completely disgusting, but my Mom read in some women’s magazine that a fun thing to do for kids was to build them little houses out of VIENNA SAUSAGES AND E-Z CHEEZ. You get the idea- you use the slimy little vienna sausages as logs and the spray cheese product as mortar. You build a house and then you eat it, and then you drink 18 glasses of Kool-Aid because it’s so damned...
I was so fat and lazy as a kid that I couldn’t even stand to bake a cake for my fat ass. Instead, I would just pour about 1/4th of a package of yellow cake mix into a bowl, add a splash of milk (whole milk, of course), and then sprinkle deliberately with strawberry preserves. If I closed my eyes, I could convince myself I was eating cake, but only if I microwaved the concoction first.
Lonely Girl's Chocolate Cake
This is a grownup concoction, but one that became so de rigueur amongst my hip Brooklyn ladypals that I felt compelled to share it with Gross Food I Ate When I Was a Kid. Behold, the single serving of chocolate cake that you can make in a microwave. One mug makes a nice piece of cake. If you prefer to use measuring cups 2 tablespoons = 1/8 cup, 3 tablespoons = 1-1/2 oz, 4...
When we were kids, Dad showed us how to make butter and brown sugar sandwiches. To this day, I think my 50 year old sister still eats them in secret!
The Peanut Butter Lardass
I used to mix peanut butter and corn syrup in a bowl and just eat it. The corn syrup helped expedite the fat in the peanut butter right into my little, budding fat cells. It was so fun to be a latch key kid.
I have no idea how this tradition got started, probably with my older brother, but at some point it became a thing in our house to carve out the core of an apple, roll up a bunch of pepperoni slices, shove them in the apple hole, and then eat the apple as quickly as possible. It tasted like ambrosia of the suburban gods.
Take a few slices of Wonder Bread. Ball them up in your hands, one at a time, until you have a bunch of densely packed bread balls. Either roll them in butter/jam/peanut butter, or leave them plain, but regardless, shove them in your mouth and feel them expand mightily. Get fat.